Reboot

I'm dealing with dynamics that I don't understand.

The evil that I have faced requires that I do what I can, to end it. But ending it means that I must talk about it. And talking about it means I must talk about myself. And it requires me to put out, onto the public square, topics that are unsuitable for public consumption. By necessity, I may have to hold a mirror up to some people, that have spoken devastatingly hurtful things, that have acted most destructively against others, without knowing it. Indeed many good people are capable of saying the exact wrong thing, to a person that's hurting and needs simple affirmation more than anything else. But how do we grow in love without shining a light, clearly, on well-intended actions that result in the opposite of love?

The crime committed against me and others was, in most cases, very long ago. It involves unspeakable acts that can be committed, while leaving virtually no trace in the realm of evidence. It's all hearsay. It's the recollections of hundreds, or thousands of people, mostly men, suppressing for years the thoughts of an experience that society insisted they should walk away from, and never revisit. It's those recollections, against the interests of a powerful, respected and even dignified institution, populated by uncountable experts in science and medicine. 

The evidence, while invisible, is painfully felt by a generation of men and women that learned to operate functionally in society, in the constant drip of a damaged heart and sense of self. Trauma, I am learning, is destructive, precisely because it's invisible. 

The strategy of the powerful institution is very simple: delay. Delay. Delay. Until it goes away. Until only a handful of foolish old men are left to complain about it. Give it lip service. But resist any effort for there to be compensation to the victims. Keep the headlines at a minimum. Keep the matter out of the hands of the Board of Regents. 

Prove that well-oiled and disciplined bureaucracies can weather any storm, simply by holding together, keeping the troops in line, and marginalizing those that dare to shine a light on the crime and the cover-up.

I joined the case against Robert Anderson, because I can verify that the accounts are true. 

I once thought that trauma was not for me. All of my failings, and self-imposed limitations were matters of my own doing, they were private challenges for me personally, that I would have to rise above, myself, without help. 

And then I heard about the hundreds of other Anderson victims. I heard about the trajectories of their lives, and learned that my problems and failings were not entirely my fault. The Anderson experience launched a process for me, and others, that became a self-repeating loop. I was not alone.

There is so much more to say about it. But before proceeding, there are some caveats for the reader:

By default, I am going to have to talk about myself, probably too frequently, for some people's tastes. That cannot be avoided. I can speak from my own experience. I can address my hopes, my fears, my aspirations, and the physical manifestations of trauma over the course of a life: trauma that you don't know is there. Trauma that is revisited almost any time a personal interaction goes wrong. Frustrations that you keep inside, that accumulate, until one day an event like the Anderson case brings it all, finally, to the front and center of your soul and spirit, and with a mixture of dread and relief, you finally get to do something about it. 

It will also require me to discuss topics that are totally unfit to be talked about in "polite society." This too cannot be avoided. But, as much as possible, I'll only suggest at specific acts, or use innuendo. We're in a time in history when almost any horrible topic is pretty well-known to people of almost any age. Perhaps, by illuminating this difficult subject, I can empower others to come forward as well, so that they too may be healed. 

I deactivated my entire "Prelude to 2020" blog in November of 2021. I am re-activating it, slowly. I will reflect again, and edit, and make sure my approach is helpful and simple. I will resist my ardent desire, when someone pushes back skillfully, to shut it all down all over again. 

Society needs healing. And to paraphrase the song often heard during the Christmas season:

Let it begin with me. 

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