The Boulder

In the Robert Anderson case, at the University of Michigan, a settlement was reached between the Survivors, and the Regents of the University of Michigan; in early 2022. It took two years of negotiations to get to this point. It took at least forty years, for the Regents of the University of Michigan to care. Each of the victims will receive compensation, of some amount. I am not counting on any particular total. I just want institutions to start listening to whistle-blowers, and stop treating them as idiots. I want all people to do the same. But whatever my total ends up being, I'm thinking of it as back-pay. Since 1985, when my career began, I have thought of my progress (or lack thereof) as too much recklessness, combined with two much hesitation. I have teetered, too much, between being the consummate team player and being the lone wolf calling out management misbehavior. I rarely found the balance. After I had my fill of fifteen years of job-hopping, I settled into a career ch

For decades, I struggled with a boulder that was getting in the way of my forward movement in life.  I never knew it was there. I thought that the problems that I kept facing were normal. I thought that my stagnant career and relationships were my fault. I would just have to get better. Try harder. Get more focused. Be more polite. Communicate better. Be more of a "servant leader." Over time, my efforts to get beyond the boulder (where I just knew my expansive and altruistic vision was waiting for me) only made it larger.  Since I didn't know there was a boulder, I never even thought to go around it. But it would have been no use. It would only grow, or move, to block my alternate paths, (career change? new friends? new relationships? new hobbies? new time management system?) My friends and family couldn't see the boulder, either. They wondered, maybe mockingly, why I didn't just walk around the boulder, or over it? I looked foolish. I was always supported by a fe

 There are hundreds . . . thousands . . . of victims of the University of Michigan's Robert Anderson.  The heart of problem is not in the crime, as bad as it is. The heart is in the cover-up, and the long-term effects of experiencing such trauma. I've heard the stories from dozens of other survivors. I've spoken to them. There are numerous parallels and commonalities among them all, and me. But there are distinctions from one person to the next; from one period of life to the next. The effects of the trauma weave through one's life. A person's weaknesses are empowered and exposed.  Their strengths are reworked into blunt instruments that make forward motion nearly impossible.  In many ways, your development as a person, an adult, get frozen at the point where the traumatic incident occurred.  You get reckless. You seek a safe path. You go through repeating patterns in relationships, that fail every time.  You step into situations where the empowered weaknesses manif

I'm dealing with dynamics that I don't understand. The evil that I have faced requires that I do what I can, to end it. But ending it means that I must talk about it. And talking about it means I must talk about myself. And it requires me to put out, onto the public square, topics that are unsuitable for public consumption. By necessity, I may have to hold a mirror up to some people, that have spoken devastatingly hurtful things, that have acted most destructively against others, without knowing it. Indeed many good people are capable of saying the exact wrong thing, to a person that's hurting and needs simple affirmation more than anything else. But how do we grow in love without shining a light, clearly, on well-intended actions that result in the opposite of love? The crime committed against me and others was, in most cases, very long ago. It involves unspeakable acts that can be committed, while leaving virtually no trace in the realm of evidence. It's all hearsay.

This entry was originally published in April, 2021.  The ethic of my youth, to respect elders, almost unconditionally, was rapidly ushered aside in the 1990s, gaining momentum as the older Boomers started retiring. My assumption had always been that I would advance into the middle years, comfortably, easily, and that my experience + emphasis on ethics and creativity, would carry me along. It is what I had always been told. By 1997, this dynamic in the workplace had all but vanished.  The trajectory of my life (and probably most people my age) has paralleled developments in society at large. As I moved into the later middle years of my career, I had always expected to advance into positions where I could valued for my experience and creativity. I always thought an emphasis on ethics (which I had focused on in the 80s and 90s) would mean influence for me, in any good organization. You pay your dues early on. You respect your elders. And you hope that one day you will be able to settled i

  whistleblower :  one who reveals something covert or who informs against another,  especially :  an employee who brings wrongdoing by an employer or by other employees to the attention of a government or law enforcement agency.  NOTE:   A whistleblower is commonly protected legally from retaliation. (From  https://www.merriam-webster.com) But in my experience, a whistleblower is one who . . .  Is not believed Would rather not "get involved" Asks for advice from friends and family he trusts, and is told to drop it and move on Is told by experts that could help her, that she is doing the right thing, but then become scarce when the time comes to help Is told by people in the know, that the wrongdoing he saw happening, and is reporting, actually happened In desperation, goes to advocacy groups like the ACLU and NAACP, but is told there is nothing they can do to help her Is offered money to sign non-disclosure agreements Is blacklisted Loses friendships Loses her marriage Loses