The Boulder

I am in the middle of a major life change now, while already in the middle of recovering from a trauma I never realized had victimized me, decades ago. This recovery period is now into its fifth year. But now, as of the past two weeks . . . and months, even . . . the first major life event has occurred, since the beginning of the recovery process in 2020. I can respond differently than I ever have before.  My mother died.  May 25th, 1:30am. In her room. In her home. With all four kids, two children-in-law, and two grandkids present. She fought bitterly against the vast sweep of hospice care, and heroically. But finally breathed her last, and fell asleep.  I have been her primary caregiver for the past five years, at least. It was then that she began to lose her grip on her cognitive and physical abilities.  As her decline progressed, we all failed to note the milestones. We could see changes, but just attributed it to her having a bad day. "We'll improve her diet. We...

I dislike, and disapprove of, most efforts made by people, to draw attention to themselves or garner sympathy.  Like the basic tenet of writing, taught as early as elementary school: we must learn to show . . . don't tell. When you tell, you're communicating without imagery. You're providing information, without evidence. Mere telling is a skeleton of meaningful communication. More often than not, its major outcome is to draw attention to the teller.  I'm a really good story-teller! (When they're not).* So, I'm about to share something that sounds an awful lot like feeling sorry for myself. It will be hard not to portray myself as a victim here.  But isn't that all just another way to motivate people not to come forward when then they have experienced, or observed something unethical or criminal in the workplace? Isn't it always more prudent to just let things roll off our backs and move on? When I first began posting about my experience with the Ande...

In the Robert Anderson case, at the University of Michigan, a settlement was reached between the Survivors, and the Regents of the University of Michigan; in early 2022. It took two years of negotiations to get to this point. It took at least forty years, for the Regents of the University of Michigan to care. Each of the victims will receive compensation, of some amount. I am not counting on any particular total. I just want institutions to start listening to whistle-blowers, and stop treating them as idiots. I want all people to do the same. But whatever my total ends up being, I'm thinking of it as back-pay. Since 1985, when my career began, I have thought of my progress (or lack thereof) as too much recklessness, combined with two much hesitation. I have teetered, too much, between being the consummate team player and being the lone wolf calling out management misbehavior. I rarely found the balance. After I had my fill of fifteen years of job-hopping, I settled into a career ch...

For decades, I struggled with a boulder that was getting in the way of my forward movement in life.  I never knew it was there. I thought that the problems that I kept facing were normal. I thought that my stagnant career and relationships were my fault. I would just have to get better. Try harder. Get more focused. Be more polite. Communicate better. Be more of a "servant leader." Over time, my efforts to get beyond the boulder (where I just knew my expansive and altruistic vision was waiting for me) only made it larger.  Since I didn't know there was a boulder, I never even thought to go around it. But it would have been no use. It would only grow, or move, to block my alternate paths, (career change? new friends? new relationships? new hobbies? new time management system?) My friends and family couldn't see the boulder, either. They wondered, maybe mockingly, why I didn't just walk around the boulder, or over it? I looked foolish. I was always supported by a fe...

 There are hundreds . . . thousands . . . of victims of the University of Michigan's Robert Anderson.  The heart of problem is not in the crime, as bad as it is. The heart is in the cover-up, and the long-term effects of experiencing such trauma. I've heard the stories from dozens of other survivors. I've spoken to them. There are numerous parallels and commonalities among them all, and me. But there are distinctions from one person to the next; from one period of life to the next. The effects of the trauma weave through one's life. A person's weaknesses are empowered and exposed.  Their strengths are reworked into blunt instruments that make forward motion nearly impossible.  In many ways, your development as a person, an adult, get frozen at the point where the traumatic incident occurred.  You get reckless. You seek a safe path. You go through repeating patterns in relationships, that fail every time.  You step into situations where the empowered weaknes...

I'm dealing with dynamics that I don't understand. The evil that I have faced requires that I do what I can, to end it. But ending it means that I must talk about it. And talking about it means I must talk about myself. And it requires me to put out, onto the public square, topics that are unsuitable for public consumption. By necessity, I may have to hold a mirror up to some people, that have spoken devastatingly hurtful things, that have acted most destructively against others, without knowing it. Indeed many good people are capable of saying the exact wrong thing, to a person that's hurting and needs simple affirmation more than anything else. But how do we grow in love without shining a light, clearly, on well-intended actions that result in the opposite of love? The crime committed against me and others was, in most cases, very long ago. It involves unspeakable acts that can be committed, while leaving virtually no trace in the realm of evidence. It's all hearsay. ...

This entry was originally published in April, 2021.  The ethic of my youth, to respect elders, almost unconditionally, was rapidly ushered aside in the 1990s, gaining momentum as the older Boomers started retiring. My assumption had always been that I would advance into the middle years, comfortably, easily, and that my experience + emphasis on ethics and creativity, would carry me along. It is what I had always been told. By 1997, this dynamic in the workplace had all but vanished.  The trajectory of my life (and probably most people my age) has paralleled developments in society at large. As I moved into the later middle years of my career, I had always expected to advance into positions where I could valued for my experience and creativity. I always thought an emphasis on ethics (which I had focused on in the 80s and 90s) would mean influence for me, in any good organization. You pay your dues early on. You respect your elders. And you hope that one day you will be able to ...

  whistleblower :  one who reveals something covert or who informs against another,  especially :  an employee who brings wrongdoing by an employer or by other employees to the attention of a government or law enforcement agency.  NOTE:   A whistleblower is commonly protected legally from retaliation. (From  https://www.merriam-webster.com) But in my experience, a whistleblower is one who . . .  Is not believed Would rather not "get involved" Asks for advice from friends and family he trusts, and is told to drop it and move on Is told by experts that could help her, that she is doing the right thing, but then become scarce when the time comes to help Is told by people in the know, that the wrongdoing he saw happening, and is reporting, actually happened In desperation, goes to advocacy groups like the ACLU and NAACP, but is told there is nothing they can do to help her Is offered money to sign non-disclosure agreements Is blacklisted Loses friends...

2023 Reflection. This post was originally published on March 20, 2021. I do not remember the two dreams, so I am very thankful that I thought to journal them during the next day or so. Two years have passed, and I am able to comment, from a distance.  The life of my dreams - operating a local music studio basically inspired and founded by my daughters - was about to come unglued. By early 2021, the daughter that started the business with me would be completely separated from it, and I would be left to run it on my own. In ten years of running a non-profit, my board members had mostly been of little value to it. One board member, in particular, was a great support, especially financially. But a performing arts business needs people in the audience. A non-profit needs people that will do more than just donate funds. I never had a board member, of some twenty total, that showed up to anything, let alone help promote our events. There was one exception - Warren McArthur. Perhaps I will...

2023 Reflection: I did a good little bit of editing on this particular entry, first published in February, 2021. I believe that my own personal life has paralleled the course of the world. My experience has prefigured, so some degree, what was to happen to society as a whole. In the 1990s, as I experienced the civil rights situation at Nortel, and attempted an awkward win-win response to it, I began to feel closed in, cut off, manipulated, marginalized.  I believe that millions of others had the same thoughts as I. Uncountable throngs of the population have felt as though their freedom, their humanity, was being stripped away slowly, almost imperceptibly. As normal humans, we all defaulted to the classic "Just ignore it. It will go away." Except this time it didn't go away. My experience with the U of M Regents, and then with Nortel, prefigured a generalized problem in society, where good people making good decisions, would be at best ignored, at worst mocked and marginal...

2023 Update: My entry into politics was intended to be the practical application of my vision. I absolutely believed that people need to be treated with dignity at the individual level. Regardless of viewpoint or background, we all need to be treated as if we matter. But, since 2020, we have seen, at the national level, entire focused campaigns waged from the top down, using major institutions to restrict people from asking legitimate questions and pointing out corruption in high places.  It's interesting how such laudable goals as giving everybody individual person a seat at the table is treated with such contempt. But that's how I was treated when reporting Anderson's irregularities (by the University of Michigan Regents and bureaucracy). That's how all of Nortel treated me (including the people I most trusted). That's how Michigan States University's Nassar whistleblowers were treated until it became politically incorrect to ignore them. But in different cont...

This post was first published on November 25, 2020.  2023 Intro : Since first posting this entry, I have continued to expand my understanding of myself, and the world. Here I write about getting myself cut off at the knees, by first two teacher colleagues that I had come to respect and trust; and then via a helpful point by a member of the University of Michigan School of Education faculty. It was particularly devastating, because the comments all came from teachers . . . you know, the people that are supposed to build us up and prepare us to become productive citizens.  But that's the story of the Boulder for me. These teachers were the boulder for me then. Why did I want to "change the world"? You see, actually, these other teachers were right. I was trying to change the world. But isn't that why most of them became teachers? To change the world? How is it that they made it into a derogation, at least in my case?  This is the Boulder in the years surrounding 2005. A...

  2023 Reflection: My process of dealing with the trauma of being a diminished whistle-blower at the U of M, included (as I have noted) a sort of groping along in my career. I did a lot of bouncing around. Between 1985 and 1988, despite all of my efforts, all I could manage were three or more jobs in sales. I did all the workshops, read all the books. I studied very hard, to become a marketable professional in the corporate world. But for whatever reason, everybody seemed to think I would be good in Sales. But I didn't want to be good in Sales. In hindsight, I had become very good at job interviews (as long as it was a Sales job. If there were openings requiring fish to work where there is no water, I would be the top prospect). While I was in the middle of it, I kept a positive demeanor. I seemed to love situations where I could not, or would not, perform well. When I look back, from the purview of a recovering Anderson survivor, it all makes a lot more sense. Deep, deep down, I d...

 2022 Reflection: Here I recalled one of two or three short-term jobs that, at the time, I thought were quite rational. But now that the Boulder has been revealed to me, I see the Radio Shack job, and the next two or three jobs in traditional sales, as being more of the same flailing about. I was creating one busy-work experience after another. I was vainly seeking to succeed in the practice of one of my great weaknesses. I persisted for years . . . for decades . . . in these fruitless pursuits. This too is an outcome of dealing a boulder built upon a foundation of trauma.   I left Fort Worth, Texas, and Texas Christian University, in 1985. I was like a fish out of water, from 1982 to 1985, as an MBA student. I don't believe there was a single moment that I felt like I was doing the right thing. I certainly didn't enjoy business classes.  Except for two. I took two particular classes in my final semester, that made me consider sticking around in academia, for a PhD. ...

2020 Reflection.  I am discovering more and more details about myself, and my thoughts, throughout most of my life, and the two big experiences that produced trauma that I did not know existed until the advent of the Anderson case. I know that my physical problems, the chest aches and high blood pressure, and nervous thoughts, were not normal, were not due to my diet or physical fitness - - - it was all anxiety brought on by policies of the University of Michigan Board of Regents, and then later, by some senior executives at Nortel. But I stress - - - these few people with power are not what gives life to damaging corporate practices: it takes a compliant and willing base of rank-and-file people: employees; neighbors; politicians; professionals; the news media . . . human resources departments . . . When you have been wronged, or you see that others have been wronged, and it counts as unethical in every sense - it becomes nearly impossible to find someone, including your closest f...

2022 Reflection: The Nortel experience concluded as the second most devastating ethical challenge of my life. I have since dubbed it Anderson II.  Without realizing it at the time, it was the second Big Chance for me: a problem to solve, in which I would once again challenge a corrupt system. But this time, I hoped to win. I responded by driving for win-win, but my response was vigorous, and deemed a threat by senior management. That was far removed from my actual intentions. The result was that I became even more distrustful of authority. My problem with anxiety and self-doubt, and even depression, began then. I kept a positive face, because I consider myself at heart, a positive person.  But again, I was not aware that any of this was going on in my heart, mind, and soul, until years later.  I had attained a commendable position on an upward track in a respected company in a leading corporation in the exploding world of high-tech. I had been ethically tested, and crafte...

2022 Reflection: I have called the Nortel Affair "Dr. Anderson, Part II," because of the similarities between the two. The Senior VP of Sales, that ordered me to make an unethical (and possibly illegal) hire, was in the role of Dr. Anderson. The Executive Team at Nortel were in the position of the Regents of the University of Michigan. But the most important players - the rank and file of the company that did what they were told and made no waves (protecting their own positions) were like the staff and middle-level managers at the U of M (especially in the professional community at the U of M). They were like the Nurse Practitioner "Hahaha, we know all about Doctor Anderson, but he's highly respected in his field," with their advice of "Yeah there was a letter going around about you. You should have just done what you were told." My only awareness of an invisible boulder, in the middle 1990s, derived from a sense of frustration, that I seem to keep get...

2022 Reflection: As I look back at this particular case at Nortel, I see now that it draws a direct line back to the Anderson case. It was The Boulder writ large. Without even thinking about it, I was determined to be a reformer, to do some whistle-blowing in the face of powerful interests. I would take on the Man. The U of M had rebuffed me and others. It had even punished good people for attempting to do the right thing. But here I was, in the middle 1990s, faced with an ethical . . . or even legal . . . challenge that was probably even bigger than the Anderson case at the U of M. Not bigger in the sense of how many people were affected; but bigger in terms of how an entire system, including a lot of my trusted friends, combined to put people like me down. All I did was ask some questions. I pointed to policy, to ethics, to best practices. I asked for advice. But I got roundly abandoned, in the end, by everybody. The system, the hierarchy of Nortel Networks, circled the wagons and pr...

[2022 Commentary] In this entry, I seem to be getting a sense of things being out of balance in my life, and in the world, and there was a feeling of my trajectory being in parallel to the world at large, and the corporate world in particular. I had a beef with corporate management, with standard business practices. In later years, I would begin to recognize my motivations going all the way back to the Anderson experience, and the response of a powerful institution - the University of Michigan - to the complains of hundreds of students with something critical to report. Nortel acted like all other powerful institutions. It tolerated unethical practices as long as the numbers were made, and the can could be kicked down the road, hopefully far enough that the main instigators could move on to another company, or perhaps retire altogether. I had friends during these years, both at Nortel and in the companies that followed, that would agree there was some shady stuff going on. But for ...

2022 Commentary: This post, from 2020, describes a point during my third year at Nortel, when I began to move out of a state of relative "equilibrium" in my life and career. So far, I had been able to sustain a conventional attitude and position towards career and all that it means. It was the year 1990-1991, and was the 10-year mark since the Anderson experience. I was not yet aware of an invisible boulder - that would come decades later. But I did become aware of other things in my world, and the world in general, that did not add up. The Anderson situation was primarily about the tendency of powerful institutions to cover up their mistakes, unethics, and even, crimes. At Nortel, I could not unsee what happened at the fax machine that time, as I observed Don D's reaction to a fax addressed to our HR department. People were not being treated right. And nobody cared. And an unraveling of society itself was a forgone conclusion.  I wonder how many people fancy themselves t...